VİTİLİGO’MU SEVMİYORUM

5 Nisan 2019 / Yorumlar (19.616)

Genel

Bu kelimeyi nerede duysam bir tuhaf oluyorum. Bazı şeyler film şeridi gibi gözümün önüne geliyor hep. 

Vitiligo…. Benim çocukluğum.

Gayet normal bir bebek olarak geldiğim dünyada dokuz yaşımda tanıştım vitiligo denen cilt hastalığıyla. Başlarda anlamıyordum. Bir çocuk olmanın verdiği düşme kalkmalara bağlamıştım dizlerimde belirginleşen minik beyaz noktaları.

Vitiligo’yla nasıl tanıştım?

9. yaşımın ilk sonbaharı, ortaokula başlayacaktım. Neden ve nasıl başlamam gerektiğinin karışık olmasını bir kenara bırakmam gerekirse ailem bizi; ben, ablam ve abimi İzmir’de yatılı özel bir okula başlatma kararı aldılar. Çok uğraştılar bunun için, onlara bir sitemim yok. Tek istekleri iyi bir eğitim almamızdı. Ailem Almanya-Türkiye arası bir düzen koşturması içindeydi. Çok güzel bir okuldu. İstedikleri gibi bir eğitim de aldık. Tabiri caizse yemediler, içmediler bizi okutmak için uğraştılar. Özellikle anneme minnettarım desteği için.

Benim için o okul yıllarının hatırası çok ayrı. Ben anneme çok düşkün bir kız çocuğuydum. Kim değildir ki? Ya da şöyle anlatayım ben fazla duygusal bir kız çocuğuydum, şu an için de pek bir şey değişti diyemem.

Şimdi gelelim bana.. Yaş 9.. Annemle babamın bizi okula teslim etme zamanı gelmişti. Ben çok zayıf ve küçük bir kız çocuğuydum yaşıtlarıma göre. Annemin elini tutarak gezdim tüm okulu. Annem yatakhanemizdeki dolabıma mis gibi evim kokan kıyafetlerimi yerleştirdi. Okulun kapısına geldik, ayrılık vaktiydi..

Bu bölüm benim kelimelere dökebileceğim bir bölüm değil.. Tek aklımda kalan arabayla uzaklaşmalarıydı. Annemi aynadan gördüm, elleriyle ağzını kapatmış gözlerinden yaşlar akıyordu. Çok yavaş ilerledi gidişleri.. O an unutmak istediğim ama başaramadığım nadir anlardan biridir hayatımda.

Benim için güçlü olma zamanıydı. Nazımı çekecek bir annem yoktu yanımda artık. Bu bir süreçti biliyordum, en kısa zamanda yakınımızda bir düzen kurmak için söz vermişti annem bana. Bu süreçte uslu olmalıydım. 

Her hafta sonu otobüslere binip ailelerimize gidiyorduk. Ben bu yüzden Cuma günlerini ayrı severim hâlâ.

Annem en sevdiğimiz yemekleri yapar bizi el üstünde tutardı o iki gün.

Bu sürece ayak uydurmaya çalıştım, gerçekçi olmam gerekirse ben hiç yapamadım. O zamanlar telefon yoktu tabii, istediğim zaman annemi arayamıyordum. Geceleri korktuğumda, bir derdim olduğunda, başkasına değil de sadece anneme sormak istediğim bir şey olduğunda bir telefon kadar uzakta değildi annem benim için..  Her anlatacağımı biriktirir hafta sonlarını beklerdim anneme anlatmak için. Sadece onu mutlu edecek şeyleri tabii. Annem üzülmesin.. Evet ablamla abim de aynı okuldaydı. Ama bizi bir arada tutmazlardı. Abim zaten tamamen ayrı bir bölümdeydi, o erkek yatakhanesinde ve sınıf olarak farklı bir binadaydı. Ablamla beni aynı odaya vermediler. Kural böyleydi, sınıfı zaten farklıydı. Bazen bir araya gelebiliyorduk yâni. 

1 sene kadar bir  süre zarfı sonunda annem dizlerimi incelemeye başladı ara ara. “Anneciğim bak düşüyor kalkıyorsun bunlar hep iz kalacak, lütfen dikkatli ol.” tembihlerini dikkate alıyordum ama ben  hiç düşmüyordum ki. Ama yine de dikkatli olmaya çalıştım. Minik beyaz noktalarım biraz büyümeye başladılar. Annemin telaşı yaradan farklı bir durum olduğunu gösterdi bana. Doktora götürdü beni bir hafta sonu. 

“Bunlar vitiligo”  dedi doktor. Vitiligo neydi? Benim için söylemesi bile zordu o zamanlar. “Henüz bir tedavisi çıkmadı” diye devam etti doktor. Ben hiç bir şey anlamadan sadece bir annemin bir de doktorun suratına bakıyordum. Doktordan çıktık, annem beni kucağına aldı ve şöyle açıkladı bana durumu “Kızım bak bu bir deri hastalığı, stresten olur dedi doktor. Seni üzen bir şey mi var?” Önce annemin gözyaşlarını sildim ellerimle. Cevabım tabii ki “Hayır anneciğim üzülmüyorum bir şeye” oldu. Annem “ söz veriyorum seni en iyi doktorlara götüreceğim sen sakın üzülme” dedi.

Okula geri döndüğümde ilk işim dizlerimi incelemek oldu. Sürekli baktım lekelerime. Onları takip ediyordum. Hep daha çok büyüdüler. Bir süre sonra  büyük beyaz bir parça haline geldi dizimdeki minik noktalar. Sonra ellerime, dirseklerime, göz kapağıma ,ve ayak bileklerimde de çıkmaya başladı. 

Vücudum da bütün bunlar olurken gitmediğimiz doktor, denemediğimiz bitkisel ilaç kalmadı.

En zoru okul çağımda olmasıydı belki benim için. Çocuklar acımasızdır derler. Evet maalesef bu böyle. Benim artık sağlam bir lakabım vardı okulda. “Dalmaçyalı” Buna ne kadar içlendiğimi anlatamam. Tek bir derdim vardı artık, nasıl saklarım bunu? Havalar ısındıkça herkes baharın gelişini sevinçle karşılarken benim için bir utançtı bahar. Nasıl etek, şort giyebilirim demekti bahar. Bütün arkadaşlarım eteklerinin altına renkli  kısa çoraplar giyerken ben dizimi kapatacak çoraplar arardım hep. O uzunlukta genelde sadece beyaz çorap bulabilirdi annem. Onlarında lastik bölümleri hep kahverengi olurdu bende.. Fondöten kahvesi ..

O süreçte başıma gelen en iyi şey annemin sözünü tutmuş olmasıydı. 2  yıl kadar yatılı kaldıktan sonra gündüzlü sisteme geçiş yaptık. Ailemle kalmak en güzel şeydi. Okuldaki acımasızlık hiç bitmedi. Arkadaşlarım eğleniyordu ama onların mutluluğu beni hep yaraladı.

Şimdilerde kendi çocuklarıma öğretebildiğim en iyi şey için belki de onlara minnettarım. Kimse “kusurlu” diye adlandırdıkları şeylere sahip olmak istemez. Kusur insanların yüzünde senin seçiminden dolayı edindiği bir gülümseme değildir. Kusur komik olan değildir. Kusur istenildiğinde değiştirilebilinir bir şey değildir. O da isterdi senin gibi olmak. O da isterdi senin gülmediğin şey olmak.

Beni öğretmenlerimin “makyaj yapmaya utanmıyor musun?” diye sınıftan attığını bilirim. “Makyaj değil, vitiligom var” demek için dersin bitmesini beklerdim ki bunu sınıfta sesli söylemeye gücüm olmazdı.

Vitiligo şimdilerde adını sıkça duyduğumuz, hatta ünlü mankenlerce bile dünyada yaygınlaşmış bir hastalık. Tedavisi de var artık.

Annem hep dua et kızım “Allah çocukların duasını kabul eder” derdi. O zamanlar hiçbir tedavisi bulunmayan bu zararsız hastalığım şimdilerde çok hafiflediler. Tek şükürüm Allah’a.

Onları sevmiyorum doğru ama kapatmaya da çalışmıyorum artık.

Tedavisinin çıktığını duyduğumda da hiç heyecanlanmadım. Belki de çocukluğuma sadakatimden gitmek istemiyorum o doktorlara artık. Ya da çocuklarımı eğitirken onlara verebileceğim en iyi örneklerim onlar benim. Yanımdalar.

Aslında konu neden vitiligom var, neden bir gözüm diğerinden küçük, neden doğum lekem var, neden egzamam var ,neden sedefliyim, neden… neden…. değil…. Neden bu kadar mükemmeliyet beklediğimiz?!  Kendi eksiklerimizi bastırmaya çalışırken karşı tarafta bir enkaz bırakma zorunluluğumuz!

Peki çocuklarımız? Onlar değil mi insanoğlunu temsilen yaratılmış en temiz varlıklar? Gerek mi görmüyoruz onlara her şeyi öğretmeyi? 

Bildiğim en kıymetli doğru.. Kusurlu olmaktan utanmayın, utandırmayın…

Vitiligo hastalığım yeni yeni belirmeye başladığında..

vücudumda hızla yayılmaya başladığında..

Şimdilerde yaklaşık bu kadarlar..

19.616 Responses to :
VİTİLİGO’MU SEVMİYORUM

  1. Ismail Emre Özkan dedi ki:

    Abla,anne,kız kardeş samimiyetiyle yazılmış bir yazı Abla paylaşır paylaşmaz okuyorum duygularını da üzüntünü de hissediyorum ve şu sıra bitirme tezi yazıyorum kaleminden feyz alıyorum bence vitiligon seni daha güçlü ve daha sağlam bir kalbe kavuşturmuş iyi ki yazıyorsun hep güçlü kal abla.

  2. berre dedi ki:

    merak ettiğim şey hâla strese bağlı olarak çoğalıyor mu? bu arada kusurlar insanı farklı kılar ve bu çok güzel bir kusur. değindiğiniz gibi yurt dışında bazı mankenlerde de var. emeğinize sağlık yeni yazıyı sabırsızlıkla bekliyoruuuum🙏🏼

  3. Aygül Taser dedi ki:

    Ben Sizi cok seviyordum,simdi daha seviyorum.o kadar çok samimi ve cana yakınsınız ki anlatamam.Hiç kimse dört dörtlük değildir.Sizi cok iyi anlıyorum,benimle de okulda dalga geçerdi arkadaşlarım iri gözlüyüm diye(patlak gözlü derlerdi).şimdi ise herkes gözlerimin güzelliğinden maviliğinden bahşediyor.Bence Allah’ın her yarattığı canlı güzeldir,siz se prenseslerden güzelsiniz.Bu arada yazdıklarınızı soluksuz okuyorum,devamını bekliyorum …
    Almanya’dan sevgiler 😘

  4. Ömer dedi ki:

    Güzel bir yazı olmuş küçüklüğünde güzelmişsin kimse kusursuz değildir herkes bir hatası vardır hayatınızda başarılar dilerim ailece mutluluk dilerim sayğı ve selamet kalın yeni yazınızı beklerim

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